I blame Lucky

Lucky Magazine (which, in full disclosure, I receive) is chock full of wack-a-doodle fashion tips that they make sound like good ideas. They'll say, in their oh-so-cool and seemingly fashion-wise way, "Just because it's winter doesn't mean you have to cast aside your favorite shorts. Pair them with a pop of colored tights and a fun sweater and voila! You're an instant fashion maven." I'm making this up, not quoting, but this is exactly how they sound. So in the know. So cool-girl-you-wish-you-were. So there you are, considering it, and then they show you a picture that looks like this:


And you start to think "Woah, that's a little koo-koo. Not so sure anymore." But then they do cute girlfriendy things like drawing arrows toward the tights with a little handwritten note that says "The orangey color really off-sets the drab brown shorts!" Or one towards the bizarre owl-infested jacket with a note that says, "Pair with a funky top for a vintage feel!" And you look again, and yes, on this 6 foot tall, 100-lb woman, perhaps this look is not so bad. Perhaps I, a normal person without 60-inch legs and chiseled cheekbones, perhaps I could pull something like this off. I do believe I will rummage through my closet to find a pair of shorts, colored tights, and a vintage-y sweater. Which is how people end up walking the streets of San Francisco looking like this:


(Thanks to my friend Andrea for capturing this gem.) Mind you, this is not frump, because this person is really trying. And I bet $1,000 that if I were to take a poop in this woman's bathroom, I would find about 17 issues of Lucky Magazine neatly stacked next to the toilet, ready to read. Though I doubt I'll be invited to do such a thing after this post.

Orange

Every Thursday, a babysitter shows up at my house and sets me free. I love love love my life with the kids but I look forward to her arrival with the anticipation of a five year old on Christmas eve. Because, for five hours, I am me again. Not mom, or carpool driver, or grocery shopper, or diaper changer, or nose wiper or... what have you. I make an effort to not do errands or work out during this time, though that would be wise for efficiency sake. But I find that I NEED to escape for a while and just be me. With myself and by myself.

That said, I can't escape the fact that I drive a minivan full of carseats and toys and books, even during my me time. (Anyone have a vintage convertible Porsche I can drive once a week for a few hours?) This past Thursday, while I was driving around and doing my me things on my me time, THIS started coming from the back seat:

"Orange."

"Orange."

"Orange."

"Orange."

The kids keep books in the car and one of them has colored buttons that say their color when you push them. Apparently, this lovely little tome got stuck somewhere under a seat and every few seconds, it would talk to me in a robotic woman's voice.

"Orange."

"Orange."

"Orange."

It was so relentless and annoying that I actually got the giggles. There by myself, in my minivan, sipping my cappuccino and listening to NPR, trying to pretend for a few minutes that I'm not a straight-up suburban mom, with a little voice reminding me every few seconds about my reality. And apparently, my reality's favorite color is:

"Orange."

"Orange."

"Orange."

"Orange."

"Orange."

M.O.M. (Mom-item of the Moment)

These pants will change your life. Especially if you have a tendency to wear the same black yoga pants over and over again, like many people I know, and yes, when I say many people I'm talking about myself. These are the Pixie Pants by J. Crew. They aren't cheap, but really, when you're pushing forty, do you really want to be running around in cheap leggings? These suckers are worth every single penny. The fabric is thick enough that it hides any unseemly lumps as well as panty lines. It's stretchy enough that they are comfy when you're having a fluffy moment. But it's also tight enough that it feels like you're getting a little tummy tuck every time you wear them. And if that's not enough of a sell job, let me tell you this—my husband can't keep his hands off my ass every time I wear these pants. And I take that as a very positive sign, since it's a 38 year old ass that's seen better days. He likes these so much on me that he bought me not one -- but TWO -- more pairs for Christmas. So yeah, this is pretty much all I wear these days. And my ass gets a lot of action.

To Topknot or not to Topknot

Apparently the new quick updo of choice among the stylish set is the topknot. Like, all your hair on top of your head in a knot. And when I say top, I mean TOP. I'd seen it on J Lo, or in magazines, but then lo and behold a very stylish mom friend of mine showed up one day wearing all her hair pulled tight and right on top of her head. And she looked fabulous! So I've been experimenting with topknots and I'm kind of digging them. I think it makes you look younger because you pull your hair so tight that you get a mini eye lift. And it somehow seems more fashionable than a ponytail, though I have no idea why. Maybe just because it's different. I wore one yesterday and a mom friend of mine told me I looked like a Charlie's Angel. And I don't think she was kidding. Considering I had not showered and had slept less than 5 hours the night before, I'm thinking it was all about the topknot. Anyways, it's super easy and looks even better with unwashed hair (thus the perfect hairdo for moms.) Here's a pic of how it should look (this is NOT me, unfortunately):

I'm just ignoring January

My last six weeks in three words:

Holidays, stomach flu, Disneyland.

It was 66% fun. But all very busy and therefore here I am, with no posts to go under the cute little January button on the right of my blog.

On a brighter note (literally), please take a look at my new purse.

In case you can't tell from the picture, that stripe down the center is neon orangey pink. I love it. It's making me want to paint a neon orangey pink stripe down everything—my minivan, my cell phone, my husband. Honestly, what in life wouldn't be better with a neon orangey pink stripe?

Also, my son won't poop in the potty, but he WILL poop in his diaper, remove it, and try to clean his own rear. So I'm spending lots of time running around my house sniffing the air like a bloodhound in case he's left any remnants anywhere. I think I'll add him to the list of things I'd like to paint a neon orangey pink stripe on.

Best prayer ever

Verbatim from my almost three-year old at prayer time tonight.

I pray for:

Special agent Lincoln (himself)

Special agent Miller (his sister)

Special agent Mama

Special agent Dada

Special agent Rosie (our bulldog)

Tinkerbell

Amen.

Did you know?

That when you're cold, wrestling with blankets is just silly? That you can enjoy down time with pets or raid the refrigerator while looking like the missing fifth Teletubbie? That you can go to the big game in your own personal giant pink fleece womb? That you can take a crap through a hole in a wearable blanket?

Now you do. Thanks to Forever Lazy, and my fabulous friend Katherine, who alerted me to this troubling phenomenon.

Your Christmas shopping just got a whole lot easier.

Giving Thanks

For:

My kids who make me laugh while infuriating me, teach me while I'm teaching them, fill my heart while emptying my wallet, and make me happier and sleepier than I've ever been

My husband who is the kind of guy who will notice when I'm at my wit's end, and wisely and wonderfully make me a hot bath complete with bubbles, candles and a big, cold glass of chardonnay perched on the side of the tub

My friends and family and the friends that seem like family and the family that are wonderful friends

A world that seems crazy most of the time, but is actually filled with beautiful things and people if you squint your eyes and look at it the right way

A brain that works most of the time, a body that only hurts occasionally and wrinkles that mean I've learned a thing or two

You people who come on here and read my random blurbs and sometimes even tell me you like them

A snuggly dog, my minivan, viognier and starbucks cappuccinos

XO

A trip to the Portland Zoo

We love Portland. Really, really love it. In fact, we go there about once a year just because we love it so much and it doesn't hurt that it's cheap. On our most recent trip, we had just hit up the insanely good Stumptown Coffee shop in the insanely cool Ace Hotel when I saw this mom.

I was swooning. Portland is so cool! Moms push strollers while wearing skirts and shorty boots! And drinking artisanal coffee in hip hotel lobbies! Why can't my town be more like this?

Then we went to the zoo. (Which is awesome, by the way.) And there we saw some major frump frolicking in its natural habitat.

The Pacific Northwestern Ponchopotamus:

The Long Denim-Skirted Frumpaphant:

And the Red Socked Frumpy Bird:

Portland is still cool. It's just not frump-free.

Look what I got in my email today

I'm not sure what's more disturbing, the existence of this product in the first place, or the fact that I fit someone's spam profile that makes them think I might want it.

Have you ever, ever put on your jeans and thought, dang I wish these felt like PJs? Have you ever, ever put on your PJs and thought dang I wish these looked like jeans? I mean, these are totally separately functioning wardrobe items. You want your jeans to be tight in the right places if you want them to look good. You want your jammies not to look like something in which you could jump out of bed and hit the local singles bar. Right?

Let's look at the ad for a moment. Did you notice that Pajama Jeans come with 1 Grey Crewneck Tee? I mean, I could open my husband's t-shirt drawer and find about 12 of those right now. If you are running around in a Grey Crewneck Tee and Pajama Jeans, please get off my blog right now.

Now let's take a peek at the checked boxes. This is a flagrant overuse of red checks. I'll give you soft and comfortable, but I take major umbrage with stylish and sexy.

"Perfect for exercise shopping & more." I'm wondering, since there is a noticeable lack of commas in this sentence, if they mean it's perfect for "exercise shopping?" Like those ladies that go to the mall in frumpy clothes and speed walk around it? If so, then I suppose I agree. And when they say "& more", I'm assuming they mean "accessorizing with socks and tevas" because that's pretty much their target market.