Saturday, December 22, 2007

Have Yourself an Unfrumpy Little Christmas

What I wish for you this holiday season:
Gift cards
Anything you'd never have bought for yourself but are secretly dying for
Liposuction
Something, ANYTHING, with sequins

What I don't wish for you this holiday season:
Slippers
A robe
Appliances
Exercise equipment
(Unless, of course, like myself, you actually asked for any of the above. Then it's okay.)

Happy holidays 2007!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Can I still call it baby weight if my child is a toddler?

In just a few short days, I'm heading to Hawaii for the holidays. Along with the swimmy dipes, the carseat, the pack n play, the lifevest, the sand toys and the baby flip flops, I'm bringing along eight unwanted pounds. I tried not inviting them, but I'm pretty sure those sneaky bastards are going to be stowaways. I even tried contracting a week-long stomach virus that I wrongly assumed would knock out at least a couple of them. These are the most stubborn lbs that ever were. And not only are they coming to Hawaii, they're going to be on display, waving and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas while I parade around in a bathing suit.

One of my frumpiest moments of late was when I went out shopping for said bathing suit. In retrospect, I should have gotten a couple of glasses of wine in me before standing in front of a three-way mirror in 12 square inches of clothing. It seems to me that there are three camps of bathing suits out there. The ones that are made for 12 year olds with no body fat, the ones that look like they're made for someone performing a 1950's water ballet, and the ones bearing rhinestones and faux gold that belong on someone named Rhoda. I'm sure it didn't help that I was looking for bathing suits in mid-December, but there is a serious dearth of cute, non-Brazillian-assed suits out there. After trying on about 30 bathing suits (I'm still dealing with the PTSD), I walked away with one semi-cute bikini and a new respect for the cover-up. Bring on the beach!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ponytails are Mommytails

If you don't have a hairdo, there's a good chance you have a hairdon't. Now, mind you, "long with bangs" is not a hairdo. Nor is "curly". I know this from experience, because for many, many years I unsuccessfully tried to pull off "shoulder length". Then recently, I went to a new stylist. I was so fed up with my hair that I just said, "Do whatever you want", then sat back and watched in horror as inches and inches of my hair dropped to the ground. But my horror turned to wonder as slowly, out from under the frumpfest that was my hair, emerged a style that I think of as "Posh Spice Lite". It took some time to get used to it, but now I am amazed at how easy it is to look "finished" now that I have an actual, grown-up hairdo. It's kind of like having a permanent stylish accessory that goes with everything. So, if you don't have hair that can be described using an actual style-related adjective (bob, shag, blunt cut) or a celebrity reference (Meg Ryan, Jennifer Aniston, Posh Spice), then get thee to a salon. There's nothing a mom needs more than an easy way to decrease her frump factor. Except, perhaps, a chardonnay IV drip.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Frumpity-frump-frump, Frumpity-frump-frump



...look at mommy go. With the holiday season upon us, I'd like to take a brief moment to talk about holiday-themed clothing. In a word, it's frumpariffic. There are, of course, exceptions. If you are a grandma, a teacher of young children or going to an "ugliest Christmas sweater" party, then by all means, deck your halls. If you don't fall into any of those categories, you may want to eschew the following when it comes to holiday attire: santa, reindeer, snowmen, elves, nutcrackers, wreaths, presents, stockings, angels, candy canes, nativity scenes, lights (especially if they actually LIGHT), dreidels and menorahs. Acceptable holiday-related icons for clothing are: snowflakes. In moderation.

It's like people lose their minds briefly once December hits. You don't see people throwing on sweaters with suns and beaches on them starting July 1st. In the past, before Christmas sweaters were invented, people showed their holiday cheer in their actions, their faces, and their homes. Now, we're parading it around on our persons. Let's get it back where it belongs, shall we?