Monday, July 28, 2008

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

I was at a park this weekend with my daughter and I had a run-in with a frump. This woman was so frumptastic that it had seeped into her personality and she had become officially as frumpy on the inside as she was on the outside. The park we were at has a section where every ten minutes or so, little fountains start spraying water out of the ground and kids, as you would expect, go apeshit. My daughter had been running around and squealing for about 15 minutes when, as not-quite-two-year-olds do, she decided in an instant she was done and wanted to go home. So here I am with my arms full of damp toddler, wielding a bulky diaper bag, swarmed with giddy children when... (cue the dramatic music)...I bump into someone else's kid. No, let me rephrase that—I NUDGED the kid. He swayed a bit but didn't even stumble. As I'm starting to apologize, I hear this shrill voice say, "HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOOOOOOUUUU!!!" I turn around and see a frump rocket barreling at me full speed ahead. She instantly does a full body inspection on her child to see if I did any permanent damage as I stood there in complete shock. It should come as no surprise that this woman was wearing sweats that had been cut at the ankle for a lovely "cropped" look and an oversized gym shirt. But even worse, her kid (the victim of my senseless drive-by nudging) was sporting a FULL WETSUIT and a huge floppy sun hat. At the park. Amidst what are basically glorified sprinklers. When it was like 71 degrees outside. 
 I can't help but wonder—are women like this enjoying motherhood, or is it just a dizzying series of Things To Be Afraid Of? Sun. Water. Other children. Other mothers. All these landmines of daily life that seem to turn some moms into shrill-sounding, UV-wielding beasts. It would be one thing if I had cavalierly knocked a child down, but to receive a tongue-lashing from a harmless nudge seems beyond ridiculous. Kids are going to get bruised. And dirty. And sometimes, though hopefully not often, they'll even bleed. It seems to me that it's our jobs to stand by with as much composure as possible, doling out kisses and band-aids and reassurance that it's all going to be okay. Not freaking and frumping out on other moms at the park. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

What the Gay Man at Nordstrom Taught Me

I went into Nordy's the other day to buy a baby gift and I was instantly jumped by a gay man wielding Lancome products. Maybe my yoga pants and scant amount of makeup set off his frumpdar. I usually avoid product pushers but, when it comes to my personal appearance, I've always had a weakness for gay men. Most of my hair stylists have been men who love men, and "Fabulous Gay Robert" did my wedding makeup (which is probably the best my face ever looked). I figure that when these guys approach my hair or my face, they're not bogged down with the monotony of doing their OWN hair and makeup every single day. They do what's right for me, instead of just giving me a variation of their own routine. At least that's what I tell myself. Not to mention the fact that gay men have better skin and hair than pretty much any women I know. 

So Mr. Man pulls me aside and instantly starts painting my face with yummy smelling products. I spent way too much time and money with this guy, but at least I can pass along the juiciest gay man makeup tips. (Wasn't there a book that was popular a few years ago called "How to Make Love Like a Gay Man?" I personally think we'd all get a hell of a lot more out of "How to Apply Makeup Like a Gay Man.") 

1. First, put moisturizer on your face. Lots of it. Then, put your foundation on with a brush. This sounds NUTS but I swear it gives you that J Lo dewy thing.

2. When you put on your concealer, mix a little moisturizer in with it first. MORE dew. 

3. You don't need to put on lots of eye makeup, just work the hell out of your mascara. Put the brush on the very base of your eyelashes and then wiggle it around a bunch before you brush it through your lashes. Basically, if your eyes are watering and your nose is running, you're doing it right. 

4. Don't forget your eyebrows. I have bad ones. They have no arch. He drew some on me and I looked like a whole new person. I am never ignoring my eyebrows again. 

That's it. I left Nordy's with a dewy complexion, bedroom eyes and intact eyebrows. And shockingly, by following the tips above, I've been able to mostly keep them all going. And trust me, it doesn't take much time. Or you better believe I wouldn't still be doing it. 

Monday, July 21, 2008

Unfrumpfest

I just returned from a weekend away with a whole bunch of friends whose collective unfrumpiness puts me to shame. It was completely inspirational. Not only am I going to step up my frump war, I'm going to write more about it! Thank you friends, for all the fun and for the kick in my frumpy ass. 

Here are a few things I learned this weekend:

Target has fabulous clothes. 

Frump is alive and well in Southern California as well. I heard tales about a pair of high-heeled, open-toed sneakers on a mom at a baby shower and werewolf-like facial hair on a mom in a music class. 

Breastfeeding seems to have helped every mother on the planet lose weight, with the lonely exception of me. 

Living where it's sunny really helps with that whole tan thing. 

Excellent summer wear that's unfrumpy AND comfy: sundresses. More on this later....