Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Frumpy New Year to Me

Well, I'm starting off the new year about as frumpy as humanly possible. Granted, I'm 12 months pregnant, but let me just give you a small window into my frump situation as 2008 turns to 2009:

Waistbands are no longer really an option. I got out my "sexy" (this word could not be used more loosely) maternity jeans yesterday and I needed a cool-down period after finally getting them on. It reminds me of what it would look like if you witnessed sausage voluntarily squishing itself into its casing. Looks like it's stretchy pants from here until "Labor Day", which luckily for me, should be coming sometime in the next three weeks.

My footwear options are as follows: UGGs, flip flops, slip-on tennis shoes. The other ones still fit, miraculously, but they feel like tiny personal torture devices. Why on earth would wearing a cute pair of wedge heels hurt my shoulders? Not quite sure, but they definitely, definitely do.

Due to the fact that I'm cheap and refuse to buy maternity clothes for cold weather, I have all of three options these days for tops that A) fit and B) keep me remotely warm. So, if you see me walking around town -- sorry, I meant waddling -- take note: Is it the gray sweater, the black sweater, or the striped turtleneck? You could take a wild guess and what I'm wearing right now and have a 33% chance of being right*.

What, pray tell, is the baby doing inside my belly that is making my skin look as if it's 75? Whatever happened to the supposed glow of pregnancy? I think it's like the theory that getting rain on your wedding day is "good luck". It's just something people say to make an obviously shitty situation seem better at the moment.

I shudder to think of what size bra I'm going to have to buy when my --gross phrase alert -- milk comes in. I'm already reaching letters of the alphabet I hoped never to be familiar with.

Note to my future baby - if the carpal tunnel doesn't go away after you're born, you're grounded.

OK -- Here's to a happy, healthy, unfrumpy 2009 for all of us.

*Did you guess gray? Ding, ding, ding, ding, you're right!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Seven Pounds

Want to know what you're doing this weekend? Going to see the movie "Seven Pounds". My best friend's husband wrote this movie and it stars Will Smith and Rosario Dawson. No, it's not about the baby weight I never lost from having my daughter (though it could be), it's about something even more dark and disturbing than that. But I won't give anything away because it's one of those movies you just have to see, and then you have to talk about it with other people. So what are you waiting for??? Go!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Lucky? Or Homeless?

I have been getting Lucky Magazine pretty much since it hit the stands. In my pre-child days, I would look forward to its arrival like a kid on Christmas, then I'd take it, along with a vase of wine, into the tub for a nice, long evening. Even then, I thought some of the fashions were a little... shall we say... avant garde, but I fancied that I was gaining style points just for knowing about them. Fast forward to now, when I have a toddler, a baby due in oh, about five weeks, and far less disposable income (not to mention no wine/mag/tub evenings in my forseeable future), and Lucky Magazine seems like a cruel joke somebody is playing on me. In fact, Lucky Magazine can bite me. 

Not only is it chock-full of completely impractical clothing items that cost more money than a year's worth of Whole Foods groceries (which is A LOT), some of the styles look to me more like they came from the inside of a mental institution than off the runways in Paris. For instance:

This little number was in their "Cute Outfit of the Day" section. Apparently, it's a Lucky Magazine staffer. Honestly, this reminds me of the time in college when I went to an 80's party, except this looks more like me the next morning, during my walk of shame back to the dorms, then when I actually went to the party.

Now, clearly this woman is gorgeous and has a fabulous bod, but does anything she's wearing compliment those things? If you saw this arrive at a holiday party, would you think, "What a fashionable, cutting-edge, style icon this woman is?" or "I wonder how long she's been off her meds?" Maybe my iconic days are over, but I'd be thinking the latter.

And finally, this is a spread from their most recent issue. This is where I start to look around for the hidden camera. This story is about mixing and matching clothes from different parts of your closet to get a new-fangled look. Wait, did they just say "A turtleneck poncho and a sequin skirt" with a straight face?

I fear that my relationship with Lucky Magazine could be coming to a swift end. I no longer find it stylish, relevant or, let's face it, lucky. Sure, it makes me nostalgic for the days when I could read it without bursting into laughter, but what can I do. I guess I'll have to wait for Unfrumpy Magazine.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

More Juiciness

I've spent a few posts musing about women's perplexing propensity for advertising themselves, or more specifically their asses, as "Juicy", but today I noticed a far more disturbing trend. I was walking by a local store called "Baby Couture" (which in and of itself is disturbing) when I was struck by something in the window. There, displayed on a teeny tiny toddler-sized mannequin, was a hot pink velour Juicy sweatsuit. This one didn't have "Juicy" written across the buns (which in the case of someone still pooping in their pants would actually be appropriate), but rather ALL OVER the outfit. There must have been 100 declarations of "Juicy" on the thing. Is it just me, or is the thought of someone labeling their toddler daughter "Juicy" borderline abusive? Is that really the word you want associated with your child? In public no less? 

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Giving Thanks

I'm a few days late (and more than a few dollars short), but here is a partial list of what I'm thankful for this holiday season. 

These guys. 

This guy. 

Ok, her too. 

My wonderful friends and family. 

Kiehl's self-tanner. Seriously, thank you. 

Peanut butter. The kind that will probably kill me, not the healthy kind from Whole Foods. 

My new Frye boots. I'm not sure I'm cool enough to pull them off, but I'm going to try damn it. 

Less cringe-worthy folks in the White House.

The fact that I have a paycheck, even if it has less zeros than I'd like.

A certain baby being born to a certain friend whom I'm certain is going to be the best mom ever.

Cheers everyone!