Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Soccer Practice Frump

At my daughter's soccer practice recently (or whatever you call it when they're three), I found myself intrigued by a couple of outfit choices made by parents.

Case #1: Mismatched mom frump

At first glance, this woman doesn't look so terribly frumpy. But oh, please do look again. On top she's wearing flannel, which I hear is making a comeback. My personal feelings about flannel aside, so far so good. Now let's take a look at her pants. You might need to click on the picture to see this, but those are brown pinstripe work pants. Anne Taylor pants. Talbot's pants. Dress Barn pants. Is this perplexing to anyone else? You're taking your kid to soccer at the park and you toss on your SLACKS? There's nothing easy or comfortable or park-like about pinstripe pants. I figure it's the result of one of two scenarios: She's going to work after soccer and has the matching brown pinstripe blazer in the car, or she pulled on whatever pants were on the floor from the day before. Either way, perplexing.

Case #2: Overzealous dad frump

Did I make myself clear that this soccer class is for three year olds? If not, allow me to describe some of the "drills". Child dribbles soccer ball and pretends to "send a package" through two cones (the ball), whereupon parent says, "Oh look! You sent me an elephant (or whatever silly thing you want to say)!" Child dribbles ball to flag and pretends to "blow out the candles on a birthday cake". Fun, yes. Requiring the services of an entire professional-level soccer uniform? Hardly.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween How-to

My friend Katherine sent me a message on Facebook with this request:

Can you weigh in on when/where/how/under what circumstances suburba-mom should also dress up for Halloween?

Oh boy do I love me a request! So, without any further delay, let's explore this suburban minefield.

Rule #1 (because I couldn't agree more, Katherine):
Catwoman suits should be reserved only for women who look like Michele Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. And you know who looks like Michele Pfeiffer and Halle Berry? Michele Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. Know who doesn't? Khloe Kardashian.

Rule #2
Please do not use this occasion as an excuse to explore your inner sex worker. If you really must, there are street fairs for that in San Francisco that are far more appropriate for cleavage and ass cheeks than suburban sidewalks.

Rule #3
Don't wear anything that could injure others at the school parade.

Rule #4
Think about your natural shape before you decide to dress up as, say, a pumpkin or a sumo wrestler.

Rule #5
Scary costumes can be good, but keep in mind that I'll still be thinking about you dressed as a zombie eating brains next time I see you at playgroup.

Rule #6
Too much costume and too little costume are equally undesirable. I learned this the hard way when, in a total rookie mom maneuver, I showed up to work in my daughter's classroom on Friday and wasn't dressed up. She was, but I kind of didn't realize I should. The other moms were in cute, festive costumes and I felt like a loser party pooper. Oh wait... maybe that was my costume. I was dressed up as a loser party pooper.

Rule #7
It can be cute to coordinate with your child (I've seen some cute ideas like chicken and egg, lion and lion tamer, etc.) but please please please don't match. By the way, this is true ALWAYS.

So, let's recap. By all means, dress up. But try not to make it too sexy, too crazy, too baggy or too freaky. Don't try too hard and don't try too little. Remember that you have to do functional things in your costume, like walk, talk and pee. And have fun! (Actually doesn't sound too different from any day of dressing to be a mom, does it?)