Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Killing me softly with her shirt

Oh, Ed Hardy.

My husband once showed me a post from one of his friends on Facebook that said something along the lines of, "I just want to thank Ed Hardy for making shirts that allow me to spot douchebags at a distance." I think this guy was talking about Ed Hardy's illustrious men's line (that has been made famous by celebridouches such as John Gosselin) but lo and behold, apparently he also makes clothing for women.

I get it that sometimes you want to embrace your inner motorcycle girl. Heck, that's what Frye boots and studded sandals are for. You can close your eyes and imagine that your minivan is a Harley and that's wind whipping through your hair, not peanut butter. But I daresay that wearing brightly colored clothing that looks like someone zoomed in 400% on an old man's tattoos is not the way to go.

Picture this: I am casually strolling the aisles of the Loehman's shoe store (mostly a disappointment, except for a cute pair of pale pink ballet flats that make me want to listen to Spandau Ballet and this frump sighting). I hear one of the sweetest sounds in the world—a baby belly laughing. So I follow the giggles until I round an aisle and find this facing me down.

Not sure if you can read the words in the lovely banner surrounding the bleeding heart but it says this: LOVE KILLS SLOWLY. Awesome. What a nice thought to leave with all of us who are looking at your backside. That baby better laugh while he still can't read...

Monday, June 14, 2010

Will someone please explain this look to me?

If there is a momiform in my little slice of suburbia, this must certainly be it. Every time I go out with the kids, I run into this outfit in one form or another. I'm trying to come up with a name for it: Camping Chic? Everyday Adventurewear? Backyard Tourist? It's like safari gear meets hiking outfit meets tourist clothes. All of which seems fine for those particular applications, but kind of odd for going to the park with the kids.

The other thing that I can't figure out is where are all these clothes coming from? I mean, I see them EVERYWHERE I look when I'm at the park, but I can't remember once seeing this outfit on a mannequin at the mall. And I don't shop at fancy places—I'm talking The Gap, Old Navy—the basics. It looks like it's been plucked straight out of the window of REI. Which is fine, except there aren't a whole lot of REIs out there where moms can do a little Sunday browsing. I mean, you have to work to put this look together.

It's not like it's so awful, it's just so devoid of personal style. It's so.... functional. I can't imagine that this was the go-to look of choice for these women before they had kids. I never saw this look in my pre-mom life, so I guess there's something about birthing children that makes certain women think they need to dress like they're hunting for wild game when they're hanging out with the kids.

Wait... I think it's all starting to make sense now...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Lose 10 Pounds and 5 Years in 20 Minutes

I have discovered the fountain of youth, and it comes from a hose.

Two words: Airbrush. Tanning.

If you aren't squeamish about standing mostly naked but for a skimpy paper thong and a shower cap in front of a strange woman wielding a nozzle, you must try this. I'm not exaggerating when I say that, in just 20 minutes, you will look like you just spent two weeks in Maui. It's not orange, it doesn't streak, it looks pretty darn natural. I had an issue with my tan pooling in my elbow pit, but I think that was user error.

I'd be lying however if I didn't say there are drawbacks. First, the aforementioned mortification of the actual application. I just stand there looking at the wall and thinking over and over "I am not the worst that she's seen. I am not the worst that she's seen." (How's that for an empowering mantra?) Plus, after two rounds of childbirth, my modesty button is slightly broken. There's also the fact that it doesn't fade nicely and naturally. So, while you'll look smoking for 2-3 days (perfect for a big event/weekend away/highschool reunion), soon you'll start looking like an old car with a bad paint job. It just kind of... wears away. So you either need to keep it up on a regular basis, or go back to long sleeves and jeans until the awkward phase passes. Not terribly convenient, but frankly neither are pasty, blue-tinged arms and legs. For $35 and a few days of tan patchiness, I think it's well worth the good pictures you'll have while the fun lasts.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

No No Yes Yes

Just got back from a whirlwind weekend in New York for one of my best friend's weddings. It was magical, wonderful, beautiful... and all the more so because it was the first time we went away without both kids. I am a new woman. And though I saw little to no frump in NY except for what was provided by tourists like us, I did manage to snap a couple of pics in Starbucks.

This woman is under the unfortunate impression that her waist lies mere inches beneath her bosom. Where she found pants with that long of an inseam is a mystery. Maybe she's more accustomed to tennis skirts than pants, judging from her shoes and accessories.

Full disclosure: This is my BFF Jill, who we were with in NY. But after taking in the former image with my eyes, turning around and seeing her was like cleansing my eyeball palate. She was the refreshing sorbet I needed after Ms. Highpants. How cute, casual and comfortable does she look? And I don't think she'll mind if I tell you she was smuggling a breastpump in that bag...