Monday, March 28, 2011

Life on the B list

In my convalescence, I picked up a few glossy magazines to keep me company. US Weekly, in particular. Per usual, Kendra Wilkinson was there on the cover with some new family drama. This one, I believe, was about how their marriage is on the skids—not to be confused with last week's story, which I believe was that they are madly in love and planning to have another baby. I am so confused by these people... with their celebrity in the first place, and with their desperation to stay in the public eye. Here's how I imagine their conversations go at home:


K (whining): We haven't been on the cover of US Weekly in like, a week!

H: That's because it's a weekly magazine, sugarlips.

K: What does that have to do with anything? We need a story, stat. How about I call them up and tell them we want to have another baby, then they'll run a headline on the cover that says "Another baby for Kendra" and people will buy the magazine to find out the details, only to learn we're just HOPING for another baby. I love that one. Mwaaa haa haa hee hee.

H: Pretty sure we did that last week.

K: Hmph. Ok. Then how about I say I'm leaving you?

H: Are you?

K: If it gets me on the cover of US Weekly, then sure. But don't take it personally.

H: How about we just skip a week and see what happens.

K: Oh great. I'm going to have to start flashing strangers my boobies again, aren't I?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'm totally on drugs right now

I had to have surgery last week to remove a uterine fibroid. The downside? It hurts. The upside? I have plenty of drugs, and I have gotten more sleep in one week than I've gotten in the last 5 years. You know you're a mom when you start singing the praises of surgery in order to get some rest. So, if you're like 100% of the moms I know and you need a good solid week of sleep, I recommend immediately growing a grapefruit-sized fibroid in your uterus.

(For those of you who know me and are counting, yes, this is the third surgery in our household in a year. And next month our bulldog has to have surgery on her VULVA. Yes, my dog is having vaginal rejuvenation. It's because she has chronic UTIs but, honestly. Somebody please make it stop.)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hell Met

Have you heard the story about the woman that was shopping at Old Navy when a giant chunk of the ceiling fell out of the sky and hit her in the head, killing her instantly?

No, neither have I. But I'm really hoping, for her sake, that this woman did.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rapunzel, Rapuzel, Let Down Your Frump


I'm hoping that the reason her head is in her hand is because she's thinking, "Oh crap. I forgot to cut my hair for the last 20 years. And I left the house again in my terribly unflattering ankle-length denim skirt and UGGs. Damn, I need to start taking more gingko biloba."

Thank you Kristen, for this most excellent frump submission!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Poonut Butter

We had a first in our household yesterday.

I've always heard stories like this from my mom friends, and have kind of smugly and silently patted myself on the back for having children that don't do this kind of thing. Until now.

This is how it went down.

My 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son were sitting on the couch—she playing a game on my computer and he watching contentedly. I was sitting nearby reading a book—something that happens during the day about as often as a lunar eclipse—and feeling like the best mom ever. More smugness.

Suddenly, my daughter says, "Mom! Lincoln put peanut butter on the computer!"

I start to get up calmly to grab a paper towel, when it dawns on me that:

HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PEANUT BUTTER.

Yes, that's right. My son tapped into his inner primate and decided to do a little exploring in his diaper. Needless to say, he found something there that interested him. Poonut butter. And transferred it to my computer.

I'm still getting the odd body shiver. And no longer feeling remotely smug about my parenting skills.